Keep going back to Dostoevsky characters. The Underground Man type stewing too much and devouring himself. Feeling pride is hurt, his person is being rejected too often by fellow dicks, continue to try with them then give up, isolate, try again ad nauseum anon. Keep trying but you fail in a way, do not con right, play the game with the proper words and facial expression. Give a smidgen but pull back, do not get too personal or close. Others tell all and complain about the minor key problems but you cannot, TMI and not interested eyes. Listen to annoying blarg inanity while you’re cell talking and throw uncreative humor around the tables or venue while I cringe internally. Bad of me but my expectations are always too high and never learn, never downsize my version of hope. Not a postivist shiny type anymore but hate giving in to apathy and fuck the world mentality. It is my nighttime friend but I let him know he is rotting.
There is this twisting of a person’s pride and honor that appears sporadically/frequently/annoyingly. We are meant to deal and control it, control the addiction of proving and ego, but it can clash with the sense of ‘fairness’ or not letting the assholes win. Keeps happening. My mind doth fill with the reiteration of this and that happening “generation after generation” poinsettia. I know better, we know better, I hope to lordy we do, though the clincher comes and our feathers get ruffled and dog fight lizard brain nonsense comes to the fore. My goal is better, to better, Ahimsa and Nirvana mindstate. Too pompous for so called enlightenment so I figure I do the peace of mind. Peace of mind in a ludicrous circus tent cranium.
The work is necessary but alas I have the bitterness and misanthropic stain, the human stain. I have painted some such screed upon my internal demon to feed vileness and badness. I aggravate me and see aggravation, push people to ‘school’ ’em, teach these spoiled children lessons about principles and caring about rightness whatever age. Self-involvement and narcissistic bent pervasive and alluring; lessons of defending the attitude of the day and notions of ‘it’s my life,’ bon bons for Nowtime. I ams what I ams and ever shall be, let me parade in buffonery. I myself get stuck and foolish and look ridiculous to the laughers and pointers though I keep the concept of goodness and morality, my morality, around me, in me. I have little beliefs in anything and do not follow the purpose explained to common society with the whole cog in the system and nationalism that swells with the up and up career and capitalism.
Not satisfied with the junk.
People sticking needles of portrayed success and doctrine duty.
Full of self.
Speak act and be wrong.
Sayeth that guy and girl.