A little hard to really go back to dumb youth and the self-indulgence and early wordplay. Poetry was my outlet that no one must see. I hid it all in my notebooks and scrap papers, in special memento boxes from first love, hard, brutal love.
Spoke my flash in the pan poetry at high school something or other. Not a enjoying performer, don’t like public speaking though I can excel. I hate my voice and enthusiasm is pining for my return.
–I am beyond the pines, wayward pines; dancing forests devour from beneath in coniferous splendour. It was a statement of me, my truth I accepted about myself, my written assault on assholes and bullies and the whole damn system.
–Nihilistic nerd. Angry brown man trapped with shallow pool children obsessed with genitals and pop culture; media matters minds and get in the swing mentality. Be this not the other, not be me to suit these humans dampening their souls. Emotional vampire dumping anger and sucking out the life force of regular folk awaiting future life and having hope. I dash it, sink hope and faith and reject. I am social reject and liked alongside. Confused. Sexuality chaos and no settle on the surety, no touch of love no sentiment given out. Mental health melding with gay questions and masochism.
Love suffering live in loathing. Push and pull away so needy and clingy and off-colour aloofness. I want sweet yet spit bitter at casualties. Did art save me and temper that hellish timestamp? Poetry did not save from insanity, poetry did not uplift heavy heart pushed down with my fist. I wrote my scribble scrabble triple words like a mental case with jitters onto paper to feel release and unburden my being. Fatty fat body holding these tensions like badges on a molested boyscout seeking penance and coddling. Then push and run and savage garden reverie. Want nothing from them and die inside and cast off the weight of emotional connections.
When you have a missing heart do they call it soul cavity?
Avoid the Noid not my generation
Hear me deafeningly
Carbon pasted life form
0s and 1s before my eyes
Hate the Maker and make hate
Believe nothing, no one
I am no one Clarisse
Silent lamb led to slaughter
Butcher society serving chops aplenty
Colliding thoughts make me insane membrane
Lay my head hardly hardlike
I sleep alone
I am no one
I am paragon
Long starlight drifts around the heavens
I pluck moments in time to ponder a wish
Burning desire burns the youth
Hellfire brand me
Fear nothing but myself
I fear no death
Want death, embrace death
Afraid to touch it
Something touch me
And have I changed, morphed into a ranger after boyscout danger? Am I new and improved or have I held on to that sad boy in thick rolls of adipose tissue. Moundy lumps of flesh sarcophaguising frailty, human humility. I’m pushing on and on without looking at the length of the race. We’re all going through hurdles and covering more ground and the field grows in the distance. I embrace ignorance not knowing or believing in real Knowledge proper. Jut temporary information in a passing dimension or facsimile of. Entropy coming and I feel the heat, get it, relieved in the non of it all. Negation has a purpose, negation is my positive declaration of independence, I know not and I like it. Such sights to show you.