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You go up there and be a comedian, you think you’re being real and honest like some Bill Hicks or Doug Stanhope. But are you being real or are you acting your whole life? Waiting for the courage for that voice inside you to come out, waiting for a time when you have laurels to actually stand on, waiting still to be a person and stop trying to be one. You’re one of the bros. You say the right things and you follow the social etiquette of the day and this is what makes you the good one in the scenario? I’m the asshole for getting pissed about a perpetual raw deal and venting from time to time, forgetting my senses and social graces and lashing out from pain and sorrow. I said the wrong things but do I spend my time mocking and ridiculing others’ flaws and foibles? Have I been taking the chaff off sensitive souls, throwing them like garlands for the children of the corn? Delighting in making light of mental illness and disabilities?

No I did not do that, I let out anger that was pushed down for years. I scared people and annoyed people and took to rudeness as dew to dawn; vitriolic expulsions and venom carnage spewing on the lot of them like Peter Parkers’ webbing. That cynicism envelops, that misanthropy becomes principle, gorging on hate and fear and planting seedlings inside to burst forth little cretin xenomorphs. An alien unto this world. Past sense, past illusions, partly past the ebb and flow of feelings, shedding respect and bitten tongues. I lurch forth the Hyde and hurl garbled insults at the tavern, at the club, at the meandering masses who I disdained so. Images in my head, prejudices formed and added to by years of mental/emotional assaults and self-esteem whittling, personas and faults splattered onto youngens in line of fire.

Reason abandons in times of need. Hate and anger commits to you and you to them. The dark side is mesmerizing and easy, the chip on the shoulder begs for release asking you to lay into laymen and curse and lash at this younger generation. You yawned at the old ones tsk tsking and lecturing and what have you turned into but another bitter adult annoyed at the ease of the new, the hand fed society, the instantaneous satisfaction built into every facet, every technology brought to market. Little piggies squealing for the goods and expecting it. That’s where the anger came, expectation, no appreciation, arrogance and self-worth from nowhere. No deeds accomplished, no back-breaking work and dirty jobs done. Spoon fed knowledge in the schools, on the web, and my what pride they would have in themselves. Superficially smarter and smugness lurking in those faces. Not everyone but I placed that mantle on all. All faces were smug faces, all talk was condescension and sarcasm. Years of pointed laughter makes minds merry with fret and paranoia.

But I learn, must learn, must evolve. A writhing Caterpie waiting for cocoon coil and fresh release with glitter wings on silver wind. Anger management placed and followed, inner calm on the purview. These mental machinations of aggression and bitchslapping get out of hand but a relief from the gulped aggro. Let me dance internally and let out the Hyde vicariously, supping on dreams of villainy and scorching earth theoretically.

We all have anger and hurt inside us, the goal is to calm, to yield to peace and overcome primal ignorance. Easy said rarely done. More years of meditation and logic to butter battered brain. The better side of valour in the distance and I’m Python walking into it.

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