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I like my technology with buttons. So much of this Dora the Explorer swiping and gesturing like society wants us to turn into mimes only evocative with our hands. Do we need to have everything be touch based like some wish fulfillment of Minority Report? This is the future we envision, how we are to function in modernity, by gesticulating and magna-doodling on our beautiful pristine devices slathering them in our disgusting skin oils. I hate bodily fluids and secretions! There should be no cum, just air or something. So many things filled with invisible life…

But the buttons and knobs are going; the Blackberrys are a dying piece without the market share. These devices that suit my needs are backwards to today’s consumers who require HD video and big ass screens to showcase every picture they take like proud mothers showing their ugly babies. I don’t care, your baby looks weird and that filter doesn’t fix your bland photo of your quesadilla or that cheesecake you treated yourself to because you had so many deadlines this week and you missed Game of Thrones last night. The market has spoken, supply and demand cares not for niche markets. Maybe there’ll be some punk-like cult of button mashers who won’t give up their independence as they gather in a swarm to critique the masses and counter culture the culture counter. Maybe Kickstarter will save us from the engulfing of phablets and this robolove, sensuous touching addiction we have now. Will there be a DSM addition? Obsessive Gadget Eroticism? People saying they’re a real OGE from way back; Swipe Life!

And of course everything is about accepting what’s new now, don’t hate just embrace. You only need certain opinions, don’t be negative brah, stop being nostalgic for the old days that weren’t as good as now. Well, I agree sometimes but I am crotchety like an old man and I complain about the new generation and how things used to be for me on a medium designed for new blood all the time. We have all this social media which is meant, I guess, to provide an outlet for expression and creativity and there’s just a lot of shit and pointless blather that gets tons of views and follows and retweets and likes. It’s like just be good looking and trendy and what you say and post will be interesting, be superfluous and nonpolitical and get tons of people mildly paying attention to your updates while waiting for lattes and buses. We must be occupied, don’t be so serious, don’t dwell on the world’s issues just look at this cat dressed like Pikachu (there’s a lot of fucking Pokemon, enough with Pikachu!).

But yeah, buttons man. Buttons are the shit, and dials and toggles. I want a phone that I can charge with moving cogs so I can work out my forearms and get rid of the limpness. I will not be a nerd stereotype! Excelsior!