It could have been the beer (Groshl or something, terrible sounding name for a drink) or the weed but she was very candid about her life. First of all the talk about her ex-girlfriend and saying she was a lesbian like 5 times. Was it lowered inhibitions? being comfortable talking to me? I’m thinking now as I age that maybe these big things become smaller with time, or with telling. As we come out in these ways to different people it becomes easier, less defences up, less restrictions put on ourselves as we branch away from mores and the social stigmas. There are just open people and it doesn’t disturb me I just don’t really do that thing. I am used to secrets, used to being loud and brazen with my opinions but quiet and sheltered with emotional honesty. Sure I’ve cried in public but that was incidents of trauma and bad thoughts cascading and assaulting me without the courtesy to warn me.
I have my traumatic shit and I don’t spread it around, I don’t expel it to people no matter how much I trust them. This is definitely a failing, not conducive to spiritual and personal growth and healing I guess. Or is it just the way some of us are. We have our baggage but we always keep it in check, never unattended. But she just laid it out there. “My father molested me.” No pauses, no apprehension just he was a fucker and did this to me. I went with it, didn’t interrupt or pry, that’s basically my way, if you wanna tell me something go ahead. I am always trying not to judge so much, especially with the family I have. And what did she live with all those years? She’s become positive, successful, don’t think she dwells but it is a something to accept and she talks about it matter-of-factly. I dig it.
Though I realize the necessity of getting these emotional lesions out of ourselves it seems so difficult to be cavalier or loose with this information. I am not used to it and might never be, which I’m fine with, I still feel the urge to hide away, to burrow secrets from people and be Mysterio without the nefarious plans. This is my character sheet on the rig of life. I’ve been a thief, a knight, possibly a mage if intuition is magic, but where I am now… at least not a necromancer thank FSM. I have my fetishes and sexual oddities but I’m a little ahead of motley crew. Did anyone else flash on Tommy’s dong?
Now what have I learned from this very personal conversation? Different strokes? I am not past being the guy people tell everything too? May be I’m not as socially inadequate as I think I am or possibly wish. Maybe being so smooth makes me doubt my ever negative thinking. I should be past phases; I’ve settled some matters of identity I can live with. I’m not gonna do some pseudo-intellectual therapy session where I castigate myself for being young, dumb and full of cum. Maybe materially I have not matured as others have, I didn’t go through the whole process of aging unscathed and financially sound, but mentally emotionally I feel good where I’m at. I think my wisdom score is adequate in a time when nothing is truly known, there is no greater truth nor solid information. We all roil around a chaotic flux trying to fit pieces of ourselves into each other and the whole mess. I am comfortable finally.